1 vs. 100: Hal

1 vs. 100

Who is your current employer and occupation? If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred (get it?) times: I do something that has to do with spreadsheets. All day. But that is just what I do. The soul-sucking effect of it is what I really try to focus on.

What levels of education have you completed? I earned approximately 7 majors and 4 minors, and it was excruciating. It made me so miserable that I still haven't forgotten how much I loved it.

Please list your last three jobs: Director of Hating What I do for a Living, Engineer of General Occupational Dissatisfaction, Vocation Discontent Manager.

Marital Status: My two options are "alive" and "dead," right?

How long have you been in your current relationship? The real question is how often I sleep on the couch.

What would your friends say are your best qualities? I regularly overlook their lack of gratitude to have a person like me in their life. I do remind them how lucky they are, however.

What would your friends say are your worst qualities? I make them feel inadequate.

How are you competitive in your every day life? Well, they don't call me "Rock-Man Hawkman" for nothing!

[Editors note: We have never heard anyone refer to Hal this way.]

What is your unique and personal motivation for wanting to be on the show? My oldest son once made a remark about me being less funny than Bob Saget. I plan to personally avenge this insult on Bob. Then we'll see who's laughing.

What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show? Being denied by this show does not warrant seeking out a new milestone. I will have forgotten about this application within 30 minutes of submitting it to whatever channel I'm sending it to.

Do you have any military experience? Not just "yes," but "@#$%&# yes."

What is the most daring and dangerous thing you have ever done? Describe the circumstances. It's like Jack Nicholson said that one time, "Have you ever rubbed another man's rhubarb?" I have never understood what he was talking about. But it sounds intimidating. And kind of gross.

If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture? The size of my muscles, something about how clever I am, an apology from my sons about that stupid blog. Besides, People magazine is for wimps, girls and guys who get manicures. Why wouldn't I be in something awesome like Readers Digest?

Describe your most embarrassing moment. Are you kidding? Most people would sell their reproductive organs to be me on my worst day.

What is the weirdest thing about you? I assume that by "weird" you mean "most impressive" or "most attractive to the ladies."

Where would you take your dream vacation? All I need is a series of tourist traps, a discount grocery store so my wife and I can make all our own meals inside our condo, and somewhere to ride my bike until I go into a dangerous spiral of arrhythmia and dehydration. You know, the usual.

In the box on the side, please draw a self portrait.

That aint no joke, suckers!

In the lines below, write a short poem or rap.

I can bust rhymes and cook with thyme;
I can stop crimes and make wind chimes.
The best of the best, there's no need to test;
Even in sweats, I'm still the best dressed.
I don't even like rap and don't trust kids;
But in a man auction I'll get the most bids.
True.

What makes you a great contestant for 1 vs. 100? Apparently you haven't seen my art or my raps...

Besides 1 vs. 100, what game show would you be the best contestant for and why? America's Next Top Ultimate Male.

What’s your favorite board game and game strategy? Stratego Uno.

Have you ever been charged with any crimes, including a misdemeanor or a felony? Most cops are intimidated by me. That's why I get so many speeding tickets.

Have you ever done or been involved in anything that would reflect negatively on you or on the Program. I should be asking you this question.

Have you ever created a website or posted any materials on any website? If yes, describe the website(s) you created and/or the materials you posted. Don't believe anything that stupid blog tells you.

Have you appeared in any magazines, publicly disseminated photographs, advertisements or the Internet? As long as women own cameras, there'll probably be dozens of such photos, but I can't tell you where to find them.

Is there anyone among your family, friends, or work colleagues that would object to your appearing on 1 vs. 100? Is this what people mean when they say "don't player hate?" Because if that's what you're doing, I'm gonna take it out on Bob.