Auto Mechaniacs

For all of his humorous foibles, Hal was remarkably adept at household and auto repairs.

As you might imagine, this saved countless hours and dollars.

Hal, however, was not the type of person who was comfortable with copious amounts of either commodity, so, on the rare occasions a mechanic was needed, he made sure to expend as much time and money as possible.

The mechanic he chose to perform any and all car repairs was, in technical language, an outlandish thief.

Our attempts to repeatedly point this out fell on deaf ears, however; Hal was intensely loyal to the shadiest auto shop in South King County.

Everytime the car began making a noise we didn't recognize (or when it stopped making noises entirely and simply ground to a halt along the shoulder of a major interstate) Hal would immediately call this man.

The solution from the mechanic was typically the same--he would promise that the repairs would be done by Monday (they would finish on Saturday), he would quote a basic price (it would be double), and he would declare it an easy fix (a monkey with an astigmatism had a better chance of finding the problem).

The real mystery to everyone but Hal was that none of the repairs were ever actually made. From what I could tell the broken head gasket was not so much "replaced" as it had "grease rubbed on it" and the "valves were reevaluated." In any other setting I think Hal would have known he was being robbed, but whenever it came to this mechanic, he wouldn't blink.

From what I can tell, each time a repair was necessary, their conversations went something like this:

Hal: My Volvo broke down again.
Mechanic: Really? Again?
Hal: Yeah, it burst into flames this time.
Mechanic: Just like I expected. This is only the second time, right?
Hal: No, this makes a baker's dozen.
Mechanic: As you know, your zero-coverage warranty won't cover this.
Hal: I don't care about that, just tell me how you can mess this up even worse as soon as possible.
Mechanic: You drive a hard bargain, Hal. How about double charging you, and I do some unrelated repairs?
Hal: I'd be willing to pay triple if you promise to break one of the last things that still work...
Mechanic: You got yourself a deal. To be clear, however, the next time your wife's minivan goes over a speed bump and the transmission falls out, I'm gonna have to ask for all your mutual funds.
Hal: That's fair.
Mechanic: When's the most inconvenient time to have your car ready?
Hal: Friday would be terrible.
Mechanic: Sounds good, see you Friday.

For reasons such as these Jake, The Beast and I restricted him from responsibilities such as picking restaurants, movies, or HMOs.

You can just imagine the convo we'd have to have with a doctor he picked...

Hal: So you're saying I have what?
Doctor: Inoperable cancer of the pancreas.
Hal: I see. So what's the next step? Would you like an enormous, unnecessary payment?
Doctor: Yes, thank you. Also, I'd like to perform another unnecessary procedure--I think a colonoscopy would be appropriate.
Hal: I didn't know you actually did those here.
Doctor: We don't, but your mechanic said you wouldn't be too picky about details like that.
Hal: True.
Doctor: Also, we'd like to do an autopsy once this tumor eats its way through your thorax.
Hal: Be sure to overcharge my next of kin.